Hearts Gone Across the Country - OK Senators Pledge to Oppose FEMA

In the wake of the devastating tornado that destroyed large swaths of Moore, OK, sources have confirmed that not a single heart remained in the chest of any legislator in the Senate or House, nor indeed in the White House, but all had "gone out to [the tornado victims]."  Hearts have vanished from the chests of politicians and activists across the country.

Speaker of the House John Boehner was among the first whose heart left him, issuing the statement that, "our hearts and our prayers go out to those in Oklahoma who are victimized by this storm." The heart of RNC Chairman Reince Priebus shattered before abandoning its owner; he declared on behalf of the GOP, "Our broken hearts go out to the families mourning the loss of their loved ones in Oklahoma."

Moore, OK, after the tornado (AP).

Republican cookie-cutter statements were answered from across the aisle by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). Reid noted the absence of hearts among Democrats and augmented the melodrama with a moment of silence. He stated, "Our hearts go out to the families whose loved ones were lost, injured or missing in the devastating tornadoes in Oklahoma.” Representative John Larson (D-CT) also chimed in stating, “Our hearts go out to Oklahoma."

Even relatively minor branches of both political parties were left heartless in the aftermath of the disaster. Chairman of the Hawaiian Republican Party, David S. Chang issued a statement that, "Our hearts go out to all those affected by the tragic events that occurred in Oklahoma over the last 24 hours." Democratic activists "Democracy for America" solemnly posted on Facebook, "Our hearts go out to the people of Oklahoma and everyone affected by the devastating tornadoes."

Quasi obligatory expressions of grief trickled in from even less likely places as hearts flew out of chests from even further afield. For instance, Michael Siegal, chair of the Jewish Federations of North America Board of Trustees issued the statement that, “Our hearts go out to all those who were in the path of this disaster and who are grieving the loss of their loved ones.” Even Executive Director of the U.S.-New Zealand Forum Stephen Jacobi stated, “Our hearts go out to the people of Oklahoma.”

The outpouring of routine, clichéd grief reportedly overwhelmed Oklahomans, who were unaware before the disaster that so many Americans from all walks of life would be prepared to issue empty statements on their behalf. The government meanwhile continued to function normally despite the absence of living, beating hearts in the chests of politicians across the country. Deliberations were being held in Moore, OK, about what to do with the mountain of shriveled, useless hearts now clogging the disaster area.

Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) definitely does not endorse FEMA.
Nope, out of the question.

Barely audible above the torrent of expressions of grief and sympathy, Oklahoma Senators Tom Coburn (R) and James Inhofe (R) pledged to "hold the course" and continue their opposition to FEMA disaster relief spending. The senators recently voted against disaster relief legislation intended to help victims of hurricane Sandy.

In a joint statement, they declared that, for the good of all Oklahomans, they would reject any and all federal aid for the areas devastated by the tornado. "It's important that the citizens of Oklahoma are not tempted to join that 47% of Americans who think the government should pay their way," Senator Coburn stated. "Haven't you ever read The Grapes of Wrath?" he asked reporters. "We Oklahomans can take care of ourselves."

Obama Administration Confident "No One Really Cares"

After a difficult week dominated by three political scandals that Republican critics attempted desperately to weave into a single narrative of corruption that would bear comparison to the impeachable crimes of Richard Nixon, White House press secretary Jay Carney stated that the President was optimistic that Washington would soon return to its usual routine of gridlock and partisan bickering, because "no one really cares" about the "talking points" for the Benghazi disaster, the seizure of AP phone records by the Justice Department, or even the targeting of Tea Party groups by the IRS.

Press Secretary Jay Carney having a "great day" last Tuesday
(photo credit: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images).

Pressed to clarify his position, Carney conceded that "yes, some people care, but not very many, certainly not very many outside of D.C."

With respect to Benghazi, President Obama finally released the e-mail records related to the "talking points" that were presented after the attack on the compound that killed U.S. ambassador Stevens and three others. The e-mails show how members of the CIA and State Department attempted to avoid blame by removing references to Al-Qaeda and previous warnings before briefing the public. "But the e-mails thankfully are still really, really boring stuff," Carney added. "Even the Republicans are glad that no one cares enough to accuse them of tampering with the version they made public—which is pretty funny. Touché indeed!"

Meanwhile there was little public sympathy for the Associated Press, whose phone records were seized by the Justice Department in an effort to identify a serious leak. Although AP president and CEO Gary Pruitt argued that "there can be no possible justification for such an overbroad collection of the telephone communications of The Associated Press and its reporters," most Americans shrugged and said they'd have been happier if underwear bombing mastermind had been captured by the double-agent the AP helped to compromise.

Carney explained, "Civil liberties will have to take a back seat yet again. Why do you think they've been steadily eroded all these years? Nobody cares!" Responding to reporters' questions, Carney confirmed that, indeed, not even President Obama cares, despite his prominent campaign promise of unprecedented transparency.

Press Secretary Carney also shrugged off the third scandal, which promises to be the longest lasting, the revelation that members of the IRS had selectively targeted the applications of Tea Party groups for tax-exempt status for additional scrutiny. Carney explained, "Fortunately, most of the country does not belong to the Tea Party, so the people most outraged already hate the President and (like everyone else) already hate the IRS. Secondly, despite bipartisan congressional blustering, there is virtually no way the actions of two rogue peons in the Cincinnati office of the IRS can be construed as authorized by the President. Good luck proving that one! I think instead you can expect both sides to join in shooting this fish in a barrel."

Asked whether the controversy over the IRS might revive efforts at much needed tax reform, Carney suppressed a laugh and responded, "Sure. As soon as we're done debating who might have known what from whom about whatever these two clowns in Cincinnati were doing. Maybe in two, three years—oh, but then it will be campaign season again. Seriously, I think we'll have to leave critical questions like that to future generations, while we resolve the all important trivialities of the day. It's been a good week."

Survivors from Bangladeshi Building Collapse Told to Get Back to Work

Survivors of the collapse of the eight-story Rana Plaza building outside of Dhaka, Bangladesh, including a woman rescued after seventeen days in the rubble of the factory complex, were told today to return to work or their jobs would be outsourced to more competitive third-world nations.

The collapsed eight-story building in which 1,050 workers -- at
the last count -- died. (Photo credit: AP)

One contractor who operated a factory inside the collapsed building told reporters that his surviving workers had received orders to resume work the next day. He stated, "The number of orders I have hasn't dropped since the accident, but meanwhile my workers have taken over two weeks of vacation. That's two weeks more than the national average!"

"I think the time off is making the workers soft," another contractor argued. "We had to chain the emergency exit doors to stop them from taking breaks outside. Who can think of going outside when you have thousands of shirts to sew for Benetton?" Citing an op-ed piece by Benjamin Powell, who argues that sweatshops actually improve the lives of workers, he stated, "They should worry less about unsafe buildings and worry more about their jobs. $2 a day is good money! That's almost 17 cents an hour."

Managers and contractors who operated the garment factories destroyed in the collapse stated that they were now under greater pressure to outpace global competitors than ever before. Besides orders left outstanding since the disaster, they now also have to replace the valuable machinery destroyed in the collapse—not to mention the 1,000 workers who had been crushed to death. "Sure, the victims are easy to replace, but where will I get 600 sewing machines in time to finish the big orders for New Wave that I have to deliver next week?" one factory manager stated.

"Free Style" (photo credit: AP).

Protests held by factory workers in the aftermath of the catastrophe meanwhile had led several manufacturers throughout the city to consider relocating to countries that offered more reliable, destitute workforces. "If the workers organize and demand higher wages or safe working conditions, there's no way we can maintain our profit margins and give our customers everyday low prices," said one industry insider on condition of anonymity. "We're already planning to move our manufacturing to a more competitive place, like Somalia. That's the next big thing: open-air, African sweatshops."

CEO of Benetton Biagio Chiarolanza, however, who confirmed on Wednesday that Benetton had purchased shirts from a manufacturer in the Rana Plaza building, stressed that his company will continue to use factories in Bangladesh, stating, "I believe—I really believe—Benetton and other international brands can help these countries improve their condition." As workers returned to their factories, it seems that Bangladesh will indeed continue to improve its condition for the foreseeable future.

U.S. Plan to Do Absolutely Nothing about Climate Change Receives Widespread Approval

World leaders meeting at U.N. talks on climate change in Bonn, Germany, greeted an American proposal to do absolutely nothing about global warming with unprecedented enthusiasm and unanimity. The 160-nation talks were convened to ensure that the spectacular failure of the 1997 Kyoto Protocol to reduce greenhouse emissions by 2012 continues to produce no meaningful results in the foreseeable future.

The U.S. returns to a familiar role, having also spearheaded the effort to render the Kyoto Protocol a dead letter before it took non-effect by failing to ratify the agreement. At the time, the U.S. objected to the lack of regulations for developing nations like China and India; by withdrawing its support, it ensured that those and other developing nations could point to American leadership in carbon emissions to justify their own contempt for the environment. Eventually even supporters of the Kyoto Protocol such as Canada, Russia, and even Japan saw the light through the smog and renounced further Kyoto commitments.

The world of tomorrow: Beautiful Beijing and its cutting-edge air pollution.
(Photos by Bill Bishop.)

Under the new U.S. plan, each nation should define its own "contribution" in advance of a new U.N. accord, to be reached in Paris, 2015. The new accord will then be followed by global failure to implement any significant change, disingenuous finger pointing, and resignation. Nations should submit their empty "contributions" six months before the Paris meeting; the toothless international accord that should result from the meeting will come into abortive "force" in 2020.

Christiana Figueres, head of the U.N. Climate Change Secretariat, said the U.S. was obviously right to anticipate the widespread apathy of the international community in doing nothing about the destruction of the environment worldwide. "The challenge for the 2015 agreement is precisely to continue doing absolutely nothing in the face of mounting scientific evidence of climate deterioration," she said. 2012 was the ninth-warmest year since records began to be kept in the 19th century, but world leaders were at a loss to explain why.

Representatives of developing nations accordingly welcomed U.S. leadership in ignoring climate change, which squares with their own plans to promote industrial development without the least regard for environmental or even human impact. Although delegates of island nations were obstinate in their unrealistic calls to action, most applauded the brazen indifference of the industrialized world to meaningful change.

China in particular, which recently overtook the U.S. as the largest carbon polluter in the world, stated that it would continue to follow its own policy of "environmentalism with Chinese characteristics." The policy thus far has led to record levels of pollution throughout the country and blanketed most major Chinese cities in hazardous smog, and the Chinese are optimistic that they can do more. One delegate stated, "China will remain number 1. We are confident in the developmental potential of pollution. For instance, Chinese manufacturers of air purifiers, face masks, and respirators have never enjoyed greater prosperity."

After Windows 8 Flop Microsoft Announces New Windows DOS

Conceding that Windows 8 had not met projected sales estimates and may even have contributed to a significant decline in purchases of new PCs, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced that Microsoft would move in a new direction, backwards, and introduce a new operating system based on DOS, calling it "Windows DOS Revista."

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer unveils Windows DOS Revista.

The innovative, old-school operating system reintroduces a number of features that outperform Windows 8. "The touchpad and even the mousing settings on Windows 8 were simply baffling," Ballmer explained. "Ordinary users couldn't find anything, and applications would activate seemingly at random. We've therefore done away with all mousing and returned to a familiar, keyboard-based OS." Ballmer was confident that users would find the experience of typing in simple commands even on their mobile devices "refreshing."

The Windows 8 "Charms Bar," which infuriated users worldwide with its unpredictability and ridiculous name, is being replaced by a new Start Menu item called "Command Line." "The principle behind the Command Line is simple," stated Ballmer. "You type in the name of the program that you want to run, and bam! It runs."

Youtube rendered by the
powerful new Windows
Internet Explorer DOS
(Click for full size)

Another innovation welcomed by users is the replacement of Windows 8's "Apps" by so-called ".BAT" (Batch) files. "One of the features DOS users loved, one that really put them in the driver's seat of their PCs, was the .BAT file. You could write one yourself! It would run any program you wanted the way you wanted. We're bringing them back with a vengeance," Ballmer elaborated.

Windows DOS Revista comes prepackaged with text-based versions of the most beloved Windows programs. As Ballmer described it, "I'm really excited about Internet Explorer DOS. It's a powerful, entirely new, text-based internet browser: all graphics are automatically rendered in simple characters. We have a new ASCII version of Windows Media Player, the simplest ever, and even text-based versions of classic games like Minesweeper."

Windows DOS Revista is being launched immediately, replacing Windows 8 on all new Windows computers sold throughout the country. Microsoft is simultaneously canceling support for Windows 8, as well as Windows 7.

Chinese Chef's MSG Cookbook Makes Mouths Water

Beijing chef Xiang Lanrou is making mouths water worldwide with a brand new cookbook dedicated to the key ingredient of modern Chinese cuisine: MSG. The MSG Cookbook: The Best of Beijing brings together some of the most successful recipes that Xiang has encountered in his long experience in enhancing substandard, expired, unsanitary, or otherwise suspicious foodstuffs of dubious provenance and serving them to enthusiastic, unsuspecting patrons.

"The art of doctoring food is very old, even in Western culture," says Xiang. "In ancient Rome, the greatest chefs disguised all kinds of revolting scraps as delicacies of the finest quality. If you knew what you were eating, your chef was obviously an amateur." Xiang claims his cookbook gives this ancient approach to rotting food a modern Chinese twist.

Chinese brand preserved hot dogs.

"In Beijing," Xiang explains, "no one cares where the food comes from. What matters is the taste. Why else do you think individually wrapped, unrefrigerated hotdogs are so popular at the supermarket?" referring to "Huo Tui Chang" (火腿肠) preserved hot dogs (or sausages, depending on one's perspective).

According to Xiang, only foreigners who do not understand Chinese culture object to the time-honored methods used to prepare what passes for food in China. "For all the outrage over the horse meat lasagna in Europe, I see that as the way of the future." The MSG Cookbook includes several recipes that call for quantities of horse or even donkey meat in dressing a variety of beef dishes.

Xiang sees The MSG Cookbook as contributing to the improvement of the lives of working-class citizens in modern China and beyond. According to Xiang, his work carries a socialist message in harmony with modern Chinese capitalist sensibilities. Xiang explains, "My cookbook makes it possible for poor people to imagine they are enjoying the most delicious dishes anywhere, but at absolute minimum expense. It is an emperor's feast on a peasant's budget. It also helps struggling food producers raise their earnings by cutting corners."

The methods espoused by Xiang in his cookbook are also touted as practical and waste-reducing: "Throwing food away means losing money. You can save quite a few pennies just by using or, even better, reusing what other people would throw away. I think my recycling message will be well received in the West."

Uneaten pork floats in the Huangpu river near Shanghai.

For example, Xiang views the thousands of rotting pig carcasses found in the Huangpu River near Shanghai as a lost opportunity. "They say now 16,000 rotting pigs have been found in the river. What waste of pork! I am working on a way to utilize this untapped natural resource. I hope to publish a recipe for 'Shanghai River-Pig' in a future edition, but so far no amount of MSG has made that pork edible."

Chef Xiang sees his food as the perfect symbol of modern China: "It is so magnificent and impressive, so delicious, no one would ever guess what it was made of!"

Terrorists & Americans Celebrate Capture of American Citizen Dzhokhar Tsarnaev

In a rare show of solidarity, international terrorists and the American public jubilantly celebrated the militarization of American society and the erosion of basic citizen rights in the aftermath of the bombing of the Boston Marathon by immigrant and naturalized American citizen, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (19), and his older brother, Tamerlan Tsarnaev (26, deceased).

Citizens and terrorists alike were thrilled to watch the city of Boston be transformed into a fully militarized zone, as thousands of heavily armed police shut the entire city down. Print and TV media, including terrorist blogs throughout the world, widely applauded efforts to use all available military equipment. "The more America resembles Afghanistan, the better!" one terrorist posted.

Tsarnaev was fortunately captured before it was necessary to resort to
ballistic missiles.

In a related development, terrorists rejoiced at the news that Republican legislators now cite the bombers' immigrant background as grounds for opposing widely favored reform of American immigration law, which seemed poised for a successful passage through Congress. The legislators have cast doubt on the proposed reform, despite the fact that the brothers had immigrated legally and are not even brown, as part of their broader strategy to keep America as white, angry, and scared as possible.

The brothers of Chechen origin had the audacity to come to the United States legally in 2002, when their father was granted asylum. The young men even dared to apply for citizenship after living in the United States as permanent legal residents for over five years. While the application of Tamerlan Tsarnaev was declined, because he had been interviewed by the FBI in 2011, his brother became a full US citizen. One Al Qaeda operative was quoted as calling the Tsarnaev brothers' work "brilliant." He explained, "They have not only killed American citizens; they have inspired American lawmakers to kill the meaning of citizenship."

Accordingly, a group of four so-called "conservative" legislators, including failed presidential candidate and respected hypocrite John McCain (R-AZ), issued a radical statement declaring that the surviving bomber, US citizen Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, should be considered an "enemy combatant" in order to deprive him of the protections that the law grants American citizens. Merely failing to read Tsarnaev his Miranda rights before interrogating him, a concession already granted, does not go far enough, they contend. Militant Islamists concurred that more should be done to jeopardize the foundations of American democracy. McCain said he hoped Tsarnaev would be tortured to the fullest extent outside of the law.

Republican legislators and terrorist leaders abroad fear that due process might find Tsarnaev "less guilty" than an expedited military tribunal, usually reserved for captured foreign soldiers. If Tsarnaev were to be classified as an enemy combatant, a valuable precedent would be set for the Republican Party's ongoing war against ordinary Americans and minorities, as well as for Al Qaeda's holy war against American infidels generally. White Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, contacted through psychic medium, commented that he was disappointed that his own citizen rights had not been revoked when he had attempted to destroy civil society. "That's reverse racism," he reportedly spelled via Ouija Board.

Can you spot the enemy combatants on the Boston Battleground?

Terrorists worldwide also expressed support for Rep. Peter King (R-NY), who declared that "America is part of the battleground," in justifying the treatment of American citizens as enemy combatants. He elaborated, "It's clear that in order to protect our freedoms, we need the power to declare martial law and suspend the Constitution—except the right to bear arms, of course." King and fellow Republican legislators claim that Tsarnaev and his brother, who have not yet been convicted of any crime, "were not common criminals." By classifying US citizen Tsarnaev as an enemy combatant, they hope to clear the way to persecute any and all ordinary Americans who fail to meet the arbitrary categories and prejudices of cowardly, fear-mongering politicians.

Retailers meanwhile reported a steep rise in pressure cooker sales, as some hobbyists fear the bombing may lead to a renewed push for pressure cooker control.

[Editorial note: Our reporter intended to interview further members of Congress but was regrettably declared a person of suspicion and eliminated in an unmanned drone strike on the Washington Beltway. He was killed with five other civilian casualties. In a statement issued shortly thereafter, the police apologized for assuming our reporter was Muslim.]

Government Tyranny Thwarted by Heavily Armed Rednecks

Dwayne Johnson and his brother Tyler never aspired to be national heroes. The two young men from King's Mountain, North Carolina, were content to be known as the best mudders in the county, driving their Ford over the mud-drenched paths of "sweet Carolina." Good ol' Carolina BBQ, a tank of cheap gas from South Carolina, some chew, and a round at the shooting range were their own reward.

That all changed when, after years of covert preparations, the Obama administration launched its attempt to establish the most liberal tyranny in the world, long feared by conservative pundits and widely anticipated by internet forum commentators. According to the White House, "The President decided that the only way to transform America into a more open, safer, and more equitable society was to overthrow the Constitution and establish Democratic dictatorship. We prefer to call it a Democratorship."

According to anonymous sources within the White House, the President intended to impose a fair, progressive tax system, universal healthcare, modern infrastructure, and government institutions free of the influence of corporate lobbyists—by force. After declaring martial law by NPR broadcast on Friday night, the President authorized special forces to seize Walmarts and McDonalds's throughout the nation, from which it would be possible to control the population.

But the administration's plans ground to a screeching halt outside the King's Mountain Walmart Supercenter. "As soon as we heard them kids got shot up in Newton," Dwayne said, "me an' my brother went an' bought us some new Bushmasters and extra clips. I knew they'd use them dead kids to try an' take our guns away." "That's right," Tyler continued. "Ev'ry patriot knows the biggest terrorist in the country is the U.S. government. I wun't gonna let no dead kids stand between me an' my freedom."

The scene of the Johnson brothers' confrontation with
government forces Friday night.

After gearing up, the brothers confronted U.S. special forces in the Walmart parking lot. Dwayne and Tyler credit long hours playing Call of Duty for their swift outmaneuvering of professional military forces. More significantly, the unit of Rangers they pinned down at Walmart could not match the firepower they had brought with them on the gun-rack of their truck. "There's all the proof you need ain't nobody gonna take over my Constitution as long we got our right to bear arms," Dwayne said.

After liberating Walmart, the brothers proceeded to liberate the local McDonalds and other franchises in the area. Unable to send reinforcements, call in an air strike, launch missiles, or deploy nuclear weapons, the White House soon conceded defeat.

"Regrettably, the U.S. armed forces were unprepared for such robust resistance," the President commented. "The message is clear: before we can carry out a liberal, communist revolution, we will have to strip true Americans like Dwayne and Tyler of their high-powered, military-grade weapons. The Democratic Secret Committee for Socialist Tyranny needs to rethink its long-term strategy of undermining the Federal Government."

Dwayne and Tyler declined to accept a conciliatory medal offered by the President on the grounds that he was not a U.S. citizen, but in fact a Kenyan national and Muslim.

Margaret Thatcher's State Funeral Privatised

Today began the much anticipated public funeral of former prime minister Margaret Thatcher, who during her eleven years in office (1979-1990) led her country through severe, self-imposed capitalist austerity to a new era of unemployment, deregulation, and destabilising income disparity. Without her far-seeing vision, Britain would never have achieved the rampant inequality and lower-class misery that it enjoys today.

In accordance with her last wishes, arrangements for Thatcher’s state funeral were auctioned competitively to private entrepreneurs. The lucky winner, funeral home “Undertakers Underlimited,” underbid all other firms by a significant margin, reducing expenditure on Thatcher’s funeral to a mere £1,500, some £400 below the national average. “It’s the kind of legacy she deserves,” commented funeral director Nigel Lewson.

On Wednesday, Thatcher’s remains were solemnly placed in a pinewood box mounted on the back of an MGB and driven by a succession of six unemployed bus-drivers to Pizza Express, just outside St. Paul’s Cathedral, where a small service was attended by a handful of mourners hired for the occasion.

Mrs. Thatcher's funeral procession arrives at its destination
outside Pizza Express this Wednesday.

The procession was delayed slightly, when the MGB blew a gasket en route and had to be serviced before it could proceed. Thatcher’s pinewood box was solemnly draped in tarpaulin in its own garage while the repairs were being made. “It’s an honour to work on this relic of British industry that Mrs. Thatcher did so much to destroy,” said mechanic Ed Gibbins.

Once arrived at the funeral, foreign ambassadors and members of Britain’s political elite were consoled by a lunch special prepared by Pizza Express in honour of Thatcher’s passing, offering a special pizza “pomodoro alla Falklandia” with a large soft drink for a mere £9.95. The pizza is soaked in sea water, topped with extra-inky squid and sea gull droppings, and served cold.

Dispatched by his government as a gesture of goodwill, the ambassador of Argentina was visibly moved, shedding tears into his Fanta as he recalled the legacy of Britain’s greatest post-war war hero. “My country could never have exacted such revenge from Great Britain as the humiliation Thatcher herself inflicted on this miserable island. No. For that, I cannot restrain my tears. ¡Viva la Dama de Hierro!”

Workers at the pizza chain were also appreciative of Thatcher's legacy. It is widely recognized that, more than any other prime minister, Margaret Thatcher pushed her people forward into a bright future of poorly paid servitude to corporate giants. "I wouldn't be working here if it weren't for Margaret Thatcher," remarked one waitress. "That's right," agreed a mourning CEO of a leading corporation seated nearby. "Go get me another Coca Cola, would you?" Addressing our reporter on condition of anonymity, he continued, "It's Thatcher's legacy that enables Britain to remain competitive on the global market; British labour conditions are the envy of the Second World; we're hoping to crack the Third next.  As the government slashes the last vestiges of the welfare state, those levels of proletariat despondency are nearly within our feeble grasp!"

After the funeral, Thatcher's pine box was lowered into a special grave at the Rainham Landfill site, Greater London, where Thatcher is joined by the British mining industry, trade unions, and workers' rights.

Professor "Greatly Troubled" to Learn the General Public Read His Latest Book

Classics professor Stoffel Van der Schaaf was shocked to discover that his latest monograph on the metatextual status of fish in Classical Greek literature (Phony Fishheads? Meta-Readings of Classical Fish, Brill: Leiden, 2013) had been listed in the New York Times' Best Sellers list and ranked # 8 on Amazon.com.

When asked what he thought of his sudden fame, Van der Schaaf replied, "It was not ever my intention to speak to someone through my scientific work or to make a deep impression on the ordinary people. That is not done! It has upset me. I have never thought that someone actually would read the fish book. It disturbs me the thought that my work may have made a difference on the ordinary people or, God forbid, inspired anyone."

According to Van der Schaaf, his efforts to deconstruct allusions to fish and fish products in Classical Greek drama were merely the result of an elaborate effort to clinch his case for tenure. "I had before me next to write about the narratologic subtext of the Egyptian shopping lists, but this has ruined everything. Everyone knows that the professors must write the books: to get a position, one must write one, then another one for the tenure, and so on. But the book must be serious! Now they will dismiss my Fishheads as popular tripe! It was strictly for the eyes of my tenure committee."

Readers meanwhile cannot get enough of Van der Schaaf's quirky, Teutonic prose. Maxine, a reader from Tuscon, Arizona, comments, "Phony Fishheads is the best thing I've read since rereading the Twilight series and Fifty Shades of Grey! It gives me cold, slimy goosebumps." Joe, a reader from Baltimore, pre-ordered a Kindle version of the book and is eagerly awaiting more: "Professor Van der Schaaf's narration of the struggle of non-conformist fish against the conventions of Greek literature left me breathless. I hope he writes a sequel about birds."

Van der Schaaf's students were reportedly surprised to learn of the subject of their professor's smash hit. "He never teaches anything but intro mythology," one glassy-eyed pupil reported. Colleagues' reactions to news of Van der Schaaf's literary success were cool. Prof. Richard Kuntz responded, "It can't be good for his career. If the book is so widely read, how good can it be? Van der Schaaf will need to return to the fold of pedantic unaccountability in his next work if he's going to survive in this profession."

As of press time, Phony Fishheads is being translated into seven languages for marketing overseas and a screenplay was being considered by 21st Century Fox.

Van der Schaaf added, "This relevance is embarrassing."

Rutgers University Fires Its Most Valuable Faculty Member

Rutgers University surprised the academic world this past Wednesday by firing its most valuable faculty member, men's basketball coach Mike Rice. Rice had come under fire after a video surfaced in which he could be seen phycially assaulting and abusing his players. The move to fire Rice was all the more surprising because physical and emotional abuse hold a prominent place in Rutgers' undergraduate curriculum. "We need to prepare our students for the real world out there as best we can. That world, unfortunately, is New Jersey," commented Rutgers President, Robert L. Barchi.

Former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice on a good day.

With a salary of $655,000 in 2012, Rice earned roughly fifteen times the salary of an assistant professor at Rutgers, and roughly twenty times the salary of an adjunct instructor. "The firing of a colleague as prestigious and valuable as Rice really shows how fragile job security at the university is today," said visiting lecturer of philosophy Adam Katz. "I was just told this morning that my position wouldn't be renewed, but I'm used to a life of itinerant poverty. I thought at least an academic career in basketball was safe."

The scandal follows on the heels of the suicide of gay student Tyler Clementi, who leaped to his death from the George Washington Bridge after he was outed and humiliated by fellow Rutgers students. Sources report that Mike Rice was not involved in Clementi's death, though "he wishes he had been."

Fishing à la Chinoise

In a scene strangely reminiscent of the classic film "Office Space," Chinese fishery officials in Wuhan destroyed confiscated fish detecting equipment with hammers and axes this past Monday. The Yangtze River has been placed under a three-month fishing ban to help replenish stocks. Asked why anyone would eat fish from any Chinese river, officials stated they were cleaner than the animals that breathed the air.

When the officials had finished, the broken devices were dumped in the river.
(Photo credit: Reuters/Stringer)

Meanwhile it's high season for Beijing canal "fish and critters," popular items that appear on local menus under a variety of names.

(Photo credit: Reuters/David Gray)

Latin Can Finally Die after Resignation of Pope Benedict XVI

The resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, delivered in Latin on February 10th, 2013, marks what is almost certainly the very last time that anything of any consequence whatsoever will be said in Latin, clearing the way for the final demise of the language, which has persisted in a vegetative state worldwide since the conclusion of Vatican II in 1965. Latin had been revived briefly by Satan in the popular 1973 film "The Exorcist." The full text of His Holiness' resignation may be read here.

Pope Benedict XVI waves "vale!"

Dozens of enthusiasts and neo-Latin poets were dismayed to learn of the resignation of the pontiff, who had revived the use of the language in papal business as part of a broader campaign to lead the Church backwards. "I had hoped that Latin would flourish again, thanks to his retrograde efforts," states former priest Alonzo Gonzales. "It's far better suited to the realities of today that the Church denies. You can't say 'child abuse' in Latin, for example, without using some sort of circumlocution. It's perfect."

Benedict's abdication appears to have shattered hopes that Latin might once again serve as a valuable tool of international oppression. "Latin had that unique ability to exclude ordinary people from the workings of power and politics," comments oligarch and Latin versifier Yuri Grigoryev. "I'd have thought that in today's world of unaccountable supra-national corporations, Latin would be a no-brainer for oligarchs worldwide to communicate and maximize opacity."

Classics professors, however, have been quick to resist arguments that Latin is finally dead, insisting instead that it may drag itself forward in an undead state for years to come. "More naive graduate students are choosing Latin than ever before," comments tenured professor Jerome Feigemuth. "The market has never been better for hiring committees, who can sort through literally hundreds of perfectly qualified applicants for every menial position." "I'm confidant that Latin will continue to entertain privileged undergraduates at elite universities for decades to come," adds adjunct instructor Joe Schiavo. "I can't think of any better training for that job in daddy's firm after graduation."

Other Classics professors voiced criticism of Pope Benedict XVI for failing to attain the unrealistic standards of diction and grammar that they strive to uphold in the face of two thousand years of linguistic change. Emeritus professor Wilfried Stroh, celebrated as the politically and culturally irrelevant reincarnation of famous orator Marcus Tullius Cicero, promptly published a critical commentary of His Holiness' Latinity and composed a revised version, illustrating how Cicero would have abdicated with far greater style and elegance, had he been Pope. (Stroh's critique and revision may be perused here --auf Deutsch.)

"O tempora! O mori!" (photographed: Wilfried Stroh)

Daily Mail Discovers the Romans Were Just Like Its Own Readership

Without exhibiting the least sign of irony, British online news juggernaut The Daily Mail reports that the ancient Romans were exactly as depraved as its own readers. The Daily Mail recently published a review of the current exhibition of antiquities from Pompeii in the British Museum, bearing the snappy headline--

The day the sky fell in on Sin City: Exhibition captures the moment entire families were burnt alive in Pompeii... but it also reveals how utterly depraved the Romans were

For the full story, click here. 

The Daily Mail was noticeably impressed by the amount of energy and time the ancient Romans invested in sex and scandal, nearly approaching that of the ordinary British and international readers who frequent its website. Distracting the reader briefly from its sidebar of celebrity sex scandals and paparazzi photos, the Mail discussed the Romans' fondness for displaying erotica in public. One major attraction of Daily Mail readers at the exhibition is a statue depicting the god Pan penetrating a nanny goat, described as warranting an "X-rating," but nonetheless prominently displayed by The Daily Mail for its internet readers to enjoy worldwide.

The naughty statue of Pan; loincloth courtesy of the Vatican

Another fresco, described by The Daily Mail with all but imperceptible irony, depicted a slave girl ready holding a towel for her master and mistress, who apparently have just finished lovemaking in her presence. The familiarity of the scene led one reader to comment, "I really feel for those Romans. I mean, if they wanted to look at nudity or voyeuristic sex, they had to have it painted on their walls or carved in stone. I'm not even rich, but I can just watch a new episode of Spartacus or Game of Thrones every week! They died in that volcanic eruption without ever enjoying the deluge of sexual content that we take for granted."

Readers were also impressed by the invitation to fantasize about the dynamics of slave ownership and sexual coercion. The Daily Mail devoted half of its review not only to the grisly way the victims of the volcanic eruption were suffocated or incinerated, but also to the Romans' abuse of slave girls and the prevalence of brothels, staffed by slaves, in ancient Pompeii. With an estimated brothel/male ratio of 1 brothel to every 200 men, ancient Pompeii compares very favorably to most major British cities.

Plaster casts made of the bodies of victims of the volcanic eruption, which show them at the moment of death, evoked criticism from some readers. "I was surprised that the Romans didn't take better care of their bodies," says obese reader Madge. "The Romans I know from TV are always sexy and chiseled. They should have worked harder to shed that belly fat so as to leave a shapelier plaster cast when they were enveloped in burning ash."